I haven’t posted anything in the last two weeks or so. Since the beginning of the year I have been very consistent and did not miss a week. Over the last few weeks however I have gone into my shell and have been quite silent. In the silence I have been reflecting a lot, looking at how things ‘hang together’ and hence I now write this post as a result of it.
Have you ever gone into times when it seems like the world is disconnected from your reality? A time when other people speak a language you don’t understand; it even seems like their lips are moving but what they are saying is completely senseless or even in some cases completely void of any sound. I have just gone through about three weeks of that. During these three weeks I have also been rather emotional. I am not normally very emotional. In fact, I am quite left brain and can control my emotions masterly. It has not been like that over the last few weeks. Now something has to really shift in order for me to embrace deep underlying emotions the way I have.
A number of things have in fact flowed together to bring about this waterfall of reflection, transformation and emotion. The big thing that I don’t normally talk about is my physical condition. As I have an auto-immune condition where my immune system gets bored and then attacks the healthy tendons where they connect to the joints. This causes severe pain, stiffness and fatigue. Some mornings I don’t even feel like getting out of bed – literally! I sit on the side of the bed breathe deeply and attempt to get onto my feet, ankles and knees that simply fold away under me when I get up. It sometimes takes a few tries before I get moving. The mornings are difficult but fortunately it gets a bit better later in the afternoon. The catch is that I have a limb length discrepancy – big words for saying that my right leg is 7mm shorter than my left. Add a bit of inflammation to the problem and voila my hip rotates out of position every now and then. In order to combat this I have to do my stretches and core exercises religiously. All of this takes quite a bit of time and energy.
I am also six months into a new job and through all of the change and adaptation I have come to see where my real value lies. Accordingly I am taking up my studies with great vigour. Perhaps my original plans of using this blog as a source of income and creating more freedom in this way will still happen later on. The reality is that I have learned that the values that I identified earlier; freedom, creativity and simplicity are as relevant now as ever before. The difference is how it is applied. Freedom of thought, ideas and reasoning; creativity of life in every regard – in the house, relationships, work and artistic expression and finally simplicity which is reflected in focus and reduction – use what I need and recognise the difference between need and want.
As I navigate this part of my journey I long for the deeper parts of what I am created for and know that it will take a combination of steady action, trust and patience in order to bring about a sense of wholeness that has eluded me for far too long.
Where are you on your journey? What are you learning? How are you moving from survive to alive?